In fair Corona, where we lay our scene, Juliet is prepping for a hot pandemic lockdown.
“Condoms, a bunch of sex toys . . . also, a mask — but not for coronavirus purposes,” says Mal, 41, reading off her quarantine shopping list.
The Lower East Sider, who declined to share her last name for privacy reasons, tells The Post that she has great sexpectations for the guy she’s been seeing during this viral outbreak. She thinks the next few weeks will be like those after the 9/11 attacks, when she and her then-boyfriend holed up in an apartment for several steamy days.
“We were stuck inside . . . and it was fantastic,” she says. “I felt safer with him.”
Coronavirus panic may be driving locals indoors, but it’s not killing their mojos. It just means they have to get craftier about canoodling — whether they’re single or partnered. That means setting up dates in less-crowded places (to gel with recommendations from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention), swapping face-to-face liaisons for sexy texts and cuffing a crush for a potentially lengthy quarantine.
Jason Lynn, 24, is trying to lock down his corona cling — fast.
“I’m working the DMs,” says the single financial adviser, who lives in North Jersey. “It’s been quiet . . . Everyone’s very cautious.”
But if his company tells him to work from home, he hopes to shack up with someone specific: a Connecticut girl he’s been seeing. Ideally, “in her place,” far away from the germy city.
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“It would be heaven to be stuck with her for two weeks,” says Lynn, who’s been stocking up on protection of all kinds: disinfectant wipes, hand sanitizer and condoms. He’s envisioning Netflix and chill sessions — a “Narcos” binge watch with plenty of nooky interludes.
“I’d get to really know her,” he says.
Meanwhile, New Yorkers with long-distance lovers are trying to figure out how to connect.
Things are extra complicated for Westchester County resident Isabel Baer and her boyfriend Adam Konig, who works for Microsoft in Seattle, since both live in COVID-19 hotspots.
“I was supposed to go visit him, but then we both got freaked out,” says Baer, 21, a former political campaign staffer. She and Konig, 23, have been together for a year and a half, and long-distance for eight months. “If domestic flights get cancelled for months, I’d be really upset.”
For now, they’re rerouting. This weekend, the two plan to spend their monthly visit in Konig’s hometown of Dallas.
“He’s nervous that I’m going to bring coronavirus to Dallas and be patient zero in Texas, but I don’t have symptoms and I’m not sick,” says Baer, who says they’ve been keeping the love alive through FaceTime. “I don’t want to get hysterical.”
In the local swingers scene, people are mourning the unsexy side effects of crowd control.
“Play parties hosted at private venues or houses that me and my partners frequently visit have been empty the past two weeks,” says Tim, a technology firm executive who declined to share his last name for privacy reasons.
The 33-year-old from Hoboken, NJ, gets the reasoning — “I wouldn’t want to get anyone sick” — but says it’s “frustrating,” and says his dating life has been “significantly” impacted by the outbreak.
While some sex parties in the city are reportedly staying open — and incorporating “extra soap and sanitizer” into their gatherings — organizers of the regular “orgies” and “fetish parties” Tim attends have told him that “they might be cancelling the upcoming two months in advance,” he says. “They [don’t] want to continue until the whole scare dies down.”